It doesn't change a thing but it changes everything.......

I'm going to be honest. 

I REALLY don't know where this post is headed...actually I don't know where this blog is headed.  If you're reading this, obviously I decided it was going to be a blog for others to read.  So bare with me as I work through many different emotions and feelings that are running through my head right now.

I've known in my heart for quite awhile that something just wasn't "right" with Dylan.  I've had a lot of people tell me that he was just a "spirited" child.  I've had a lot of people tell me that he was just a stubborn kid.  But I knew.  I'm his mom and I knew that something wasn't right.

On Friday, January 6......I finally knew that I wasn't crazy.  I finally knew that I wasn't a mom who just didn't know how to parent her child.

Dylan has Aspergers.

It changes everything and it changes nothing.

Dylan is the same as he was when we walked into the doctor appointment.  He's still my sweet Dilly Boy who loves to snuggle in the recliner with me and watch videos from when he was a baby.  He's still my boy who loves cars, monster trucks and race tracks.  He's still the boy who can make me laugh one minute and make me want to pull my hair out the next minute.  He's my Dilly Boy.

As I watched him interact with Dr. I, I got teary-eyed more than once and I had to bite my lip to not say a word more than once.  I wanted to say, "Stop talking and listen Dylan.  Stop talking."  I wanted to say, "It's okay to pretend that the dinosaur is a puppy.  It's okay."  But I wanted answers more so I let him be him.  It sucked to watch...it really did.

We are waiting now to hear about an upcoming appointment with the child psych to have him spend some time wiht Dylan to be sure that every possibility is covered.  Dr I wanted him to look at the "emotional" part of things to make sure that nothing is missed.  I love that about Dr I...she doesn't rush and wants to make sure that every possibility is looked at.

So we wait.....but changes are happening.

Hearing Dylan talk to her was an eye-opener to me about how I am parenting him.  TOO MUCH YELLING.  Yes, it's my frustration coming out but it's not working. It's not working for me.  It's not working for him.  It's not working for our family.  It needs to change.  It's hard.  It really hard.

I haven't been sleeping well the last couple of nights.  I close my eyes and it's like watching the last few years in slow motion.  It's seeing the times I yelled at him and knowing that he wasn't being naughty....he wasn't processing that what he was doing was "wrong" or bothering someone.  It's seeing the times I put him in time-out for situations that he likely wan't able to process what was going on.  It's seeing the times that I walked into a noisy, stimulating situation and got so frustrated with him because he "just couldn't behave."  It's seeing times that he ran away with his hands over his ears and I got frustrated.  It brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel like a terrible mom. (My head knows I'm not a terrible mom but my heart...well, that's a different story right now.)

I'm looking to the future with uncertainity and hope....weird combination I know but that's where I am right now.  I have a feeling this is going to be a wild ride!